Posted by: the warrioress | November 25, 2011

Walking Away

The holidays are for close family and friends. I’ve never really had a lot of either, in terms of what I would call intimate friends or family.

The kind of intimacy I’m talking about are people whom you can call and break down crying about whatever catastrophe you’ve managed to bring down upon yourself. These are the people who sincerely care and consistently want to be there in your life to help you through it.  In other words, they aren’t going to just offer some platitudes but are going to sincerely try to make a difference through some kind of demonstrated action — even if all that is, is an emotionally supportive telephone call or sincere shoulder to cry upon.

I’ve been privileged to have some extremely close friends through out my life that were more like real family than my own blood family; these kinds of people are inspirational and rare. Once you are lucky enough to know a few of these, you really discover the meaning of family and friendship and how valuable both are. It gives new meaning to the word “family,” but that’s not exactly what I wanted to write about this evening.

We can all have some “family drama,” I suppose, with these holidays occurring and my life is no exception. I decided to terminate a relationship with a relative of mine again; I say again because this isn’t the first time, but I sincerely think it’s going to be the last time.

walking away for good

I’m writing about this because I’m a little bit confused about what God or Jesus Christ might think about my decision and whether or not they would support it. Perhaps the better way to put this would be to admit that I’m withdrawing further attempts at communication indefinitely with this individual because the relationship is just too toxic and painful to continue; it’s quite honestly just no longer good for me or my child because of the impact past interactions have had upon me.

I feel some resentment about having to take this action because I feel that I’m forced into doing this again, but there is relief in my decision as well. As one grows older, one begins to realize that time is so very valuable and precious.  Spending precious time feeling angry, resentful, negative, or just out of sorts is an unfortunate way to live one’s life; I no longer want to live mine wasting time in this manner. I want to spend my days and evenings pursuing meaning and rewarding experiences that are good for me and for the others I share my life with.

This is a sad decision I’ve made though, and I didn’t make it easily. I’m an extremely loyal person with family and friends. When a relationship has become fairly pointless, though, and brings more pain than joy into my life, perhaps it’s best to detach with love and turn the individual over to God, since there’s little else I can do about the situation. This isn’t easy and it’s a less than satisfactory solution, but sometimes it’s the only course that makes sense.

I just don’t want to get into a forgiveness issue with God, where I’m holding a grudge against this person, and am angry with or feeling resentful towards him.

I still love my family member but I’m tired of enduring behaviors that I can just no longer accept or tolerate. There isn’t going to be any possibility of change occurring in the near future, I don’t believe, and I’ve prayed for this individual for enough long years to be pretty sure of this. Should change ever take place, I feel that this person can certainly reach out and let me know, if it mattered enough, but for my own peace of mind, I think I’m just done for now.

Thanksgiving was lovely despite this black spot marring the holiday atmosphere, in the back of my mind, but I also felt that it was time I actually take a stand and attempt to hold to it firmly into the future. I’m analyzing my own behavior by sharing it here in this blog and am hoping that it’s acceptable and that the Lord understands where I’m coming from. Well, I know He knows my feelings on this and certainly grasps the problems with this relationship, but I just don’t want to be out of God’s will through not following the bible in this and all of my ongoing relationships; so I’m kind of “thinking out loud” on this thing in hopes of emotional clarity.

Hope some of this made sense, but it may have been clear as mud. Whoops.  I’m sorry if that’s the case. I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was delightful, warm, and peaceful, even if you spent the day on your lonesome.

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Responses

  1. I am so sorry for your struggle, warrioress. I have had something similar happen. Of course, I don’t know your specifics, but I have been led to cut off contact in a close family relationship. It was extemely hard. I wondered the same things you are wondering. If you need to talk, please feel free to contact me via email (I will send my address to your email). I will keep this in my prayers – for God’s guidance and His will. Press into Him, warrioress. He is faithful and will guide you every step of the way. Your sister in Christ, Natalie (wordprocessor)

  2. I think you made the right decision. I know that it was not an easy one for you, but sometimes we have to step aside and let the Holy Spirit do the work. I wrote a little article about this type of situation a while back. Jesus said don’t cast you pearls before swine….. The important thing is that you forgive the person in your heart and forgive yourself. God works all things for good. Keep praying though and see what the Lord will do. I hope that you will find some inner peace about this and know that God knows your heart. Be blessed, have a good night. Freddy.

  3. It is hard to walk away, but sometimes it is needed, but always remember that each challenge makes us grow in God as well. I know I have wound up in tears many times and just had to say to God, “please take care of this problem, I no longer can”, The weight lifted off my shoulders was tremendous. I am still working on forgiveness, perhaps I will get there someday. I think that I have then something reminds me and I find that I still have some feelings. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless and go with Him.

  4. Happy Thanksgiving Day my friend. 🙂

    I’m sorry to learn of this unfortunate circumstance. I’m sure your decision to abandon the relationship that is grieving your heart is well-considered.

    In His Word, are we counselled to courageously hang on to relationships that are failing and bringing us pain at all costs?

    I believe there is a time to remain steadfast and resist the easiness that would come through an escape. I’m sure you have prayed about this.

    When is it time to “shake the dust from your sandals”?

    God bless you Adrienne.

  5. Natalie, Freddy, Loo, Tom, and LeRoy,

    Thank you all for caring and offering your thoughts and/or emotional support. It really means a lot to me as this matter has and is obviously weighing heavily upon me during these holidays. I needed to check out where I am at with this with other Christians and I’m just not close enough to those at the church I attend, to discuss this with them, unfortunately.

    Your various thoughts on this help me a lot. God bless you all and thank you again for caring enough to offer your opinions.

  6. Been there and done that. Not that I matter much, but I am on your side. Church was one of the most painful places in my life. I walked away from there with deep hurts. Many of those people caused my great harm. I had to forgive them. What does that mean? It means I chose to release them from the debt that I felt they owed me. Sadly, I do not think they realized the damage, nor did they care. I found that to be very freeing. Do I least interest in having some of them involved with my life anymore? Not at all. As you have come to realize some people are just toxic. I suppose they choose to let their broken flesh just get the better of them. I have to work hard at keeping the flesh down, besides, I feel like I found a new friend and wouldn’t want you toss me out so quickly.
    Hang in there champ.

  7. Thank you for the kind words, Remso, and I appreciate the personal sharing about your own situation. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It is tough. Despite the relationship(s) going toxic, these people meant so much to us and probably still do, (I know my little brother means a lot to me). It’s very, very hard to just walk away, but sometimes we have to for our sanity’s sake. God bless, and I hope you continue to read and comment here 🙂

  8. 1 Corinthians 15:33 Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.” NLT

    1 Corinthians 15:33 Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners. KJV

    My first whole Bible was the New Living Translation. I like, “bad company” over “evil communications”.

    I believe your separation is according to GOD’s Word and Will.

  9. I understand how hard it must be to end a relationship that societal norms dictate you should maintain. You mention how toxic it is, and that your child is exposed to it. That’s enough in my book. I would think that God looks in favor upon any decision that benefits your child’s well – being. Don’t stop praying for this person; God does amazing things, and changing hearts is easy for Him!

  10. Henry Wright in his book A More Excellent Way reminds us that we do not participate with sin out of love…when we do their sin becomes our sin.

    Good job on removing the toxic from your life!!
    You can still pray an intercede for the person

    Job 22:30
    Amplified Bible (AMP)

    30He will even deliver the one [for whom you intercede] who is not innocent; yes, he will be delivered through the cleanness of your hands.

  11. It is hard to give advice to someone when not all details are known, but there are some things that stand regardless of anything else.

    I would suggest pledging to pray DAILY for the relative – meaningful prayer. It sounds as if he/she NEEDS God to work in his/her life and God chooses to work in answer to the prayers of His children. If you have a sincere love for the relative, even though wrongs have been committed, you will be able to pray POSITIVELY for their good.

    As one who suffered extreme abuse for 22 years, I know the harm that holding grudges can cause. I have come to the point where I am truly THANKFUL for all that happened to me. Only one of my abusers is still living but I can be happy with that person with no hard feelings.

    I believe it is possible that some time in the future the two of you could not only be reconciled but praying together as children of God.

  12. Hmnn…We don’t sit on burrs or next to scorpions nor do we feel guilty for it though both are respectable creations of God as any. Nor do we loudly announce our planj to avoid, we just do it and forget it. Seems to me, the fact of shared DNA is that, a fact; it’s not an obligation beyond what we owe all as people. If my cousin is a drunken, unwashed bum I’m sorry, however, I won’t sit by him in a warm room if I can help it nor will I give him money he’ll buy booze with…

    We owe each other courtesy; from there, it’s voluntary. Someone else trying to impose guilt for their own purposes is simply presumptuous, from where I come…But what do I know?

  13. Awesome blog, thanks for tghe visit at my blog.

  14. We are called to love others (which doesn’t always mean to like them!). We cannot solve their problems – but we can offer advice and example. We need not feel guilty if they don’t accept any of this.
    Sometimes the most loving thing is to spend time with someone, sometimes to withdraw and allow them to reflect. I don’t think the right approach will come out of feelings of guilt, but we can kill guilt by turning to love.
    In the end, there is no single answer. If our motives are love, if we don’t judge, if we are ready to forgive and ask forgiveness where we find we’ve not done the right thing then I believe that will be pleasing to Christ. And if not, then we just have to rely on his grace and forgiveness of us.

  15. I have forgiven my little brother….

    All I can do now is pray for him and hope for the best. I’ve turned him over to God. We have infrequent contact and I try to show him love and compassion when we do talk. I know of nothing else to do at this point. Thanks for caring, MC. God bless, hon.

  16. Well said. Thanks for the visit at my blog.

  17. I so get it. I cut off my a family member 4 years ago after she almost ruined my wedding. It was hard, as I know she suffers from addictions and many other struggles. In the end, she didn’t want help…and I didn’t want her toxicity. I just left it at, if you need me, call me…but if you don’t need me, let me live in peace. I prayed about it, and I still feel confident in my decision. Praying for peace for you, sis.

  18. This is a beautiful entry. Your words actually resonated greatly with myself as I am going through similar feelings and experiences. I want to say I wish you a great strength in moving forward toward better care for yourself and child independently of the toxicity of an unhealthy relationship. It is a difficult path to take knowing you probably have a great deal invested in what once was, but it also shows a great deal of courage and strength for which to be commended in achieving a more healthful life for yourself. Thank you so very, very much for writing all of this. I admire your courage and appreciate the knowing there is at least one more out here who has experienced this and taken steps forward. Best to you.

  19. […] been a long time since I wrote the posting, “Walking Away.” In the interim between that posting and this, a faithful prayer warrior sister of mine has often […]


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