Posted by: the warrioress | October 22, 2013

Republican Jesus

republican jesus

This parody is hilarious and may be potentially aggravating to some, but more than that, it’s a little scary because it’s so dead on accurate. I hope everyone who stops by this blog will read this, even if you are a Republican or you vote with the right wing. Search yourself to see if this writer makes a valid point or not; I feel certain that if you are being honest with yourself, you will see that he does.

I do not share this with you to anger or outrage you; I share this to convict your conscience and make you think deeply about what and whom you support politically.

Politics is complicated. It is rare that we will find any politician or political party to be truly living up to the values and kind of morality that Jesus Christ represents. Scrutinizing what this means takes effort.  So try to honestly assess and study how Jesus lived. Think deeply about the concepts He preached and it’s possible that we can all come fairly close now and again to choosing the best leader(s) for our nation, America.

I don’t expect this posting to be very popular or to get even a few likes. Truth hits hard and can be difficult to digest.

Republican Jesus ™ is very different than the Jesus you and I are familiar with. First off, he is White. Not just white, but White. Republican Jesus ™ has a special place in his heart for America. Specifically, White America. Do you doubt this? Ask yourself why anyone who believes in a colorblind Jesus would even conceive of praying for the death of Obama? No, only those who follow Republican Jesus ™ would even think that such a prayer could, or should, be answered. If you are currently thinking that racism has nothing to do with the unprecedented hatred of Obama, go away, I’m talking to the grownups.

Republican Jesus ™, by the way, is a big supporter of the Confederacy. Why he let them lose the War of Northern Aggression is a mystery. But all “real” Americans know that the South will rise again and Republican Jesus ™ will lead the way back to glory. Or something like that.  How the Northern and Mid-western Red states fit into this Southern revival is also a mystery.

Republican Jesus ™ loves guns. Loves them! Never mind all that silly talk of beating swords into plowshares! Every good member of the church of Republican Jesus ™ should have, at minimum, enough armament to hold off an invasion by those commie Nazi liberal hordes that are coming any day now. Or the ATF, whichever shows up first. Or maybe just enough to wipe out a schoolroom filled with kids when their excellent parenting skills manifest themselves in the next Columbine tragedy.

Remember, conservatives, to complain about anti-bullying programs being government overreach afterwards!

Republican Jesus ™ loves the rich. Ignore that whole “camel through the eye of a needle” garbage. Republican Jesus ™ wants you to be prosperous! It’s called “prosperity theology” and it percolates throughout the conservative religious fervor. God rewards the faithful with material wealth. Very spiritual stuff. If your idea of spiritual is a McMansion.

But Republican Jesus ™ is not just about love. Republican Jesus ™ also hates and, boy, does he hate!

Republican Jesus ™ hates the poor. This is the flip side of “prosperity theology”. If God rewards the faithful with riches, than the poor are obviously NOT of the faith and deserve what they get. This is, in part, why conservatives hate the social safety nets of welfare, food stamps and Medicaid. Those (and by “those” I mean those) people don’t worship Republican Jesus ™ and are unworthy of being helped. Besides if you feed them, they’ll just breed!

Republican Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer of South Carolina actually said that. And he meant it.

Republican Jesus ™ hates The Gay. They’re sinners, after all.  It says so right there in the Bible next to the part about shellfish being an abomination.  Nothing demonstrates the compassionate conservatives’ dedication to the teachings of Republican Jesus ™ like blocking legislation for same sex marriage and calling homosexuals pedophiles while enjoying a nice shrimp cocktail before a delicious lobster dinner.

Also, Republican Jesus ™ gave us AIDS, and STDs in general, as punishment for homosexuality. Of course, this ignores the fact that lesbians (a well-known subset of homosexuality) have the lowest rate of STDs, including AIDS, among all adult population groups. So as far as punishment goes, half of the “sinners” are better off than the rest of us, statistically speaking. Maybe Republican Jesus ™ likes him some girl on girl action?

Republican Jesus ™ hates Muslims. Muslims are scary because some of them do bad things to innocent people. That makes them all evil terrorists. This is not to be confused with White Christian Militia types who blow up abortion clinics or plot political assassinations in Republican Jesus’ ™ name. Those people are martyrs and heroes. Or they were crazy lone wolves having nothing to do with Republican Jesus ™. It depends on which channel you’re interviewing on, Fox or MSNBC.

Republican Jesus ™ totally hates Liberals. Liberals are the pawns of Satan George Soros trying to destroy the greatest country ever made on this 6000 year old planet (conservative moderates are almost as bad and must be expunged!). Compromising with a Liberal is a terrible sin in the eyes of Republican Jesus ™ and must not be tolerated.

Finally, Republican Jesus ™ hates science. With a passion bordering on obsession.

by Justin Rosario


  1. Have you ever seen Bill Maher’s Republican Jesus bit? it’s amazing;y accurate and hilarious.

  2. WoW! how telling is this article! Good stuff!!!

  3. I’m sure this is exactly why Jesus is neither Republican or Democrat or for that matter Independent.
    He is and that is all that matters, at least to me. He is!
    He teaches me not to judge, for what I judge against others will be held against me.
    He teaches me to love others as I love myself and to obey His commands.
    To me it really doesn’t matter if they are Christian, Muslim, Jew, or whatever, I am to love them all. Red, white, black or yellow it does not matter.
    Peace be to your heart!

  4. Hmm, interesting.

  5. Then there is perhaps the most famous quote of all from conservative religious activist Randall Terry:

    “I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over you. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good. … Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a Biblical duty, we are called by God, to conquer this country. We don’t want equal time. We don’t want pluralism.”

    Adrienne. Do you know what all this is really about? Animals have God-given physical traits to help them adapt and survive in the wild. Anthropologist Marvin Harrison believed that “human culture” is man’s key survival mechanism. For example, the technology of the knife is man’s canine tooth—and the bullet or nuclear weapon is an extension of that. The key word is “survival” and men throughout history have always conceptually intertwined God and their culture. “God supports my culture. My culture supports God. If I am burning my candle at both of those ends, my survival is a sure thing.”

    We are living in a time of extremely rapid cultural change in the United States. Our culture is in constant flux, and people do not understand why. The simplest example is an older white man I know that had to shut down his automobile repair shop (only source of livelihood) because cars are now big computers. Computers and his lack of computer understanding slammed him. Vast numbers of people are frightened out of their wits by all the change (including a sudden black man as President). Because they associate God with their traditional culture, they assume that any change in that traditional culture must somehow be coming from forces that are against God. As my wife says jokingly, “The Internet is of the Devil.” Problem is. People in primitive cultures that worship idols and sacrifice infants with rusty knives also believe that their cultures are associated with some positive “god” and that the things rapidly changing their culture (recently arrived white men with guns) are also brought about by the Evil Forces. Therefore, just because you think “My God = My Culture and My Culture = My God” does not necessarily mean that the cultural change that is frightening you to death actually comes from Satan.

    If you look closely at each item in Mr. Rosario’s article, you will note that it is rooted in some sort of cultural change that is happening today. This is especially true for many Southern people. Ever since about 1830, Southern (Scots-Irish) people have believed that there is a vast northern yankee conspiracy (a.k.a The English King) to destroy their “God-given” Southern culture. It started with the Civil War and freeing the *&^%$, **&^, %$#ggers. Then the scientists came along and told them that the world is billions of years old and that Genesis 1 is not science and history—intolerable. Then they made them start letting the &%*ggers drink out of the same water fountain and ride right next to them on the bus. “Can you imagine that—well I never!!!!” Then they took away their property rights—rights that had been guaranteed by so-called English King. They had always believed that they had 100 percent control over everything—and I do mean everything—that they owned (including their women), and along comes a judge taking away those property rights by making them hire %$#ggers and women. Can you imagine that? Women!!! Then came the worst blight of all. A federal judge said that Southern Baptist public school administrators and teachers could no longer force their students to pray the way they were teaching them to do it and they could no longer preach to the children. Then they we were no longer able to tell the Jewish, Catholic, Episcopalian, Methodist, Lutheran, and other apostate children that they were all going to Hell if they did not start believing “right doctrine” and doing everything their exclusively “right way.”

    Southern people believe that their God-given, Scots-Irish, Southern culture has already been about 65 percent wiped out since 1830. Now they believe a cabal of minority groups, liberals, secular humanists, and misguided do-gooders (like Bible Warrioress) have set their sights on totally and completely erasing the remaining 35 percent. Did I mention guns? They see the home-owned gun as the last line of defense to save the remaining 35 percent of their Southern culture.

    This is not about God or Jesus—not primarily. This whole thing is about an inevitable tide of worldwide cultural change (anthropologist Alfred Kroeber called it the “superorganic” nature of human culture) that is being driven by the largest and most rapid accumulation of knowlege in human history and the widespread application of that knowledge in our culture and personal lives. Technology is a really big part of it but not all of it. Kroeber said, and I think he was right, that such enormous waves of cultural change are so powerful that human beings (individually and collectively) lose all power to act against them. The events move men rather than men moving the events. The best we can do is hope to own a surf board, catch the crest of the wave, and hope it carries us to a good place without drowning us along the way. My poor auto mechanic friend was a drowning victim. This is about God only to the tangential extent that people believe that God somehow established the traditional culture that is fading away beneath the enormous wave of change. As one person might have put it, “Well, I always thought that God disliked them &%ggers just as much as me or else he would have made them decent, upstanding white people.”

    Bottom Line: This enormous wave of cultural change is already here, and there is nothing that people (individually or collectively) can do to stop it. Just because we have a traditional culture does not mean that the elements of that culture are all right and true. It also does not mean that God is the founder of it. Even the worst heathens believe that God (of one sort or another) is the founder of their traditional culture and that evil is making it disappear. As Bible Warrioress has shown above—in spades—a great deal of our traditional American culture (like it or not) has ALWAYS been at odds with the teachings of Jesus. We tolerated it as a people and even loved it because we benefitted from it. The real traditional American creed is and always has been: “Greed is good.” The real American dream has always been to become rich—not with God—but with money. I am guilty of it. Examine yourself. Because we love it, we look the other way and pretend that those difficult sayings of Jesus do not exist in the Bible. We find ways to develop creative theological perspectives designed to show God condoning our traditional cultural excesses—and blind us—please blind us—to the reality of Lazarus sitting in our gates. Blind us to the fact that we ignore him. Blind us to the fact that we really believe that Lazarus and all like him are merely faking their maladies. His real problem is that he just wants to be a leech and avoid work. Is there a possibility that God is fed up with being used this way and being portrayed as the approving Lord of this so-called traditional American culture of ours. Is Obamacare the blessed chainsaw sent from on high to saw up the beams of greed and excess in our eyes? Give it some thought.

  6. Wow…what a comment, Dover/Tracy!!! That was just wonderful. Thank you so much. You really get it, don’t you? Brilliant.

    Sacred Struggler, thanks for your comment too! I haven’t seen that from Bill Maher but I’ll watch it.

    Dr. Denis, thank you, glad you enjoyed this.

    Edwin Christian, thank you for your comment. As usual, very well said.

    Elder Johnson, isn’t it? I thought this was funny but yet it was heartbreaking too. Very profound.

    God bless all of you for stopping and commenting, and I hope that people who see this will search their own souls and see if they can grasp what the writer is trying to tell them. May God bring this message deep into their souls and make the adjustments within that are His will.

    We should not belong to any political “party.” We belong to Jesus Christ our Lord, and His way, and His word are our way of acting and looking at the world, not some political party’s demanding “bible.” Political parties are operated by the WORLD, not by God, and certainly not by the words of Jesus Christ. Amen.

  7. Someone sent me this one and I thought of you too.

  8. Good willing people seem to be able to find morality from their religion, what ever it might be, and selfish people seem to be perfectly capable of finding excuses for their bad behaviour from the very same respective religions.

    Religions are value sets based on authority of gods, who themselves never interfere, so their authority is weilded by men claiming to know what gods want – though they never demonstrate this and therefore the concept of faith is introduced as a virtue, when clearly it is not. Therefore all religions are morally just authoritarianist social constructs.

    For those reasons no religion should not be a measure for morals. Morals should be based on natural ethics of empathy, logic and best possible information, because ultimately any religion can be used to defend moralistic views. Most of them have been built on tribal moralism.

    In most western countries system of governments, democracy, and the rule of law has been built on the natural evolving ethics and not on some authorative source from a god. But there are still countries in the world where religious authorities have the right to interfere in government and legal affairs, and we do know how badly that affects the people in those countries. This used to be the same in western countries, but no longer is.

    Religions are politics. Organized religions are used by political parties for as long as religions weild the authorative power of alledged gods, and as long as these gods are not demanded to be demonstrated, but are expected to be taken on faith. Because gods never interfere, the politicians often even in good faith, may use the ambiguent ancient scriptures to fish for the votes of ignorant and scared people. That is where the “republican Jesus” comes from.

  9. Rautakyy. The problem is indeed people. People screw up nearly everything they think about, read, touch, and do. People are fallible. The problems become acute when people forget that they are frail, fallible, and mortal. I think the whole world would be a better place if every person got out of their bed in the morning and started their day with a single statement:

    “I must remember today that You Are God, and i am not.”

    One can debate the question of Biblical inerrantism, what it means, what it does not mean, etc. The Religious Right chooses the most extreme, exclusive, and divisive understanding of that term. Unfortunately, and you need to watch this closely in the news media, the Religious Right not only believes that the Bible is Inerrant in this extreme sense, but their members have also come to the conclusion they THEY (individually and personally) are inerrant.

    By the way, Christanity is not primarily a system of morality. In his book entitled “The Subversion of Christianity,” Jacques Ellul has argued very persuasively that Christianity (in its essence) has little to do with morality—even Biblical morality.

    Here in the area where I live, the country people are happy to tell you what Chritianity is ALL ABOUT:

    “Hits about gittin’ yersef saved by Jesus and then after that its all about them thar morals—them thangs you don’t do like dancin’, chawing baccer, playing musical instruments in church, and not swimmin’ in them same waters as girls jist in case a stray boy cell might go on a long swimmin’ expedition and anger God. Yep, hits all about them rules, whatcha don’t do, and how you measure up daily.”

    Just sayin’.

  10. Wow! What a great post – I’m democrat… all… the… way.

  11. Thank you Tracy and Rautakky for interesting commentary on the posting. I sure do appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts with us here. I’m not sure we’re seeing this posting from the same perspective, but your opinions on the article are intriguing.

  12. Thanks again, Sacred Struggler!

  13. Thank you, Dr. D!!

  14. As a liberal, I love it. As a Christian, I dislike bias and villainizing those we disagree with. The thing is, much of the criticism is warranted and desperately needed. Fundamentalists have so entwined Christianity and social/political conservatism, that they can’t tell the difference. Here’s the thing though: the problem isn’t that it’s conservative or even that it’s contrary to the faith – the problem is it’s an ideology. Mixing Christianity with any ideology – conservative or liberal – is amiss, because ideology is something you look at. Religious teaching reforms our very eyes so we learn to look through. Biblical teaching is born of the spirit. Ideology is not. When we mix Biblical teaching with ideology, we water it down and alter it to something we can process in the same way we process mere ideas and propositions. This removes from the teaching its other-worldly power and negatively-reinforces our egoic way of thinking.

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