This parody is hilarious and may be potentially aggravating to some, but more than that, it’s a little scary because it’s so dead on accurate. I hope everyone who stops by this blog will read this, even if you are a Republican or you vote with the right wing. Search yourself to see if this writer makes a valid point or not; I feel certain that if you are being honest with yourself, you will see that he does.
I do not share this with you to anger or outrage you; I share this to convict your conscience and make you think deeply about what and whom you support politically.
Politics is complicated. It is rare that we will find any politician or political party to be truly living up to the values and kind of morality that Jesus Christ represents. Scrutinizing what this means takes effort. So try to honestly assess and study how Jesus lived. Think deeply about the concepts He preached and it’s possible that we can all come fairly close now and again to choosing the best leader(s) for our nation, America.
I don’t expect this posting to be very popular or to get even a few likes. Truth hits hard and can be difficult to digest.
Republican Jesus ™ is very different than the Jesus you and I are familiar with. First off, he is White. Not just white, but White. Republican Jesus ™ has a special place in his heart for America. Specifically, White America. Do you doubt this? Ask yourself why anyone who believes in a colorblind Jesus would even conceive of praying for the death of Obama? No, only those who follow Republican Jesus ™ would even think that such a prayer could, or should, be answered. If you are currently thinking that racism has nothing to do with the unprecedented hatred of Obama, go away, I’m talking to the grownups.
Republican Jesus ™, by the way, is a big supporter of the Confederacy. Why he let them lose the War of Northern Aggression is a mystery. But all “real” Americans know that the South will rise again and Republican Jesus ™ will lead the way back to glory. Or something like that. How the Northern and Mid-western Red states fit into this Southern revival is also a mystery.
Republican Jesus ™ loves guns. Loves them! Never mind all that silly talk of beating swords into plowshares! Every good member of the church of Republican Jesus ™ should have, at minimum, enough armament to hold off an invasion by those commie Nazi liberal hordes that are coming any day now. Or the ATF, whichever shows up first. Or maybe just enough to wipe out a schoolroom filled with kids when their excellent parenting skills manifest themselves in the next Columbine tragedy.
Remember, conservatives, to complain about anti-bullying programs being government overreach afterwards!
Republican Jesus ™ loves the rich. Ignore that whole “camel through the eye of a needle” garbage. Republican Jesus ™ wants you to be prosperous! It’s called “prosperity theology” and it percolates throughout the conservative religious fervor. God rewards the faithful with material wealth. Very spiritual stuff. If your idea of spiritual is a McMansion.
But Republican Jesus ™ is not just about love. Republican Jesus ™ also hates and, boy, does he hate!
Republican Jesus ™ hates the poor. This is the flip side of “prosperity theology”. If God rewards the faithful with riches, than the poor are obviously NOT of the faith and deserve what they get. This is, in part, why conservatives hate the social safety nets of welfare, food stamps and Medicaid. Those (and by “those” I mean those) people don’t worship Republican Jesus ™ and are unworthy of being helped. Besides if you feed them, they’ll just breed!
Republican Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer of South Carolina actually said that. And he meant it.
Republican Jesus ™ hates The Gay. They’re sinners, after all. It says so right there in the Bible next to the part about shellfish being an abomination. Nothing demonstrates the compassionate conservatives’ dedication to the teachings of Republican Jesus ™ like blocking legislation for same sex marriage and calling homosexuals pedophiles while enjoying a nice shrimp cocktail before a delicious lobster dinner.
Also, Republican Jesus ™ gave us AIDS, and STDs in general, as punishment for homosexuality. Of course, this ignores the fact that lesbians (a well-known subset of homosexuality) have the lowest rate of STDs, including AIDS, among all adult population groups. So as far as punishment goes, half of the “sinners” are better off than the rest of us, statistically speaking. Maybe Republican Jesus ™ likes him some girl on girl action?
Republican Jesus ™ hates Muslims. Muslims are scary because some of them do bad things to innocent people. That makes them all evil terrorists. This is not to be confused with White Christian Militia types who blow up abortion clinics or plot political assassinations in Republican Jesus’ ™ name. Those people are martyrs and heroes. Or they were crazy lone wolves having nothing to do with Republican Jesus ™. It depends on which channel you’re interviewing on, Fox or MSNBC.
Republican Jesus ™ totally hates Liberals. Liberals are the pawns of Satan George Soros trying to destroy the greatest country ever made on this 6000 year old planet (conservative moderates are almost as bad and must be expunged!). Compromising with a Liberal is a terrible sin in the eyes of Republican Jesus ™ and must not be tolerated.
Finally, Republican Jesus ™ hates science. With a passion bordering on obsession.
- Jesus Wasn’t A Republican (dish.andrewsullivan.com)
- What would Jesus say about Republican attack on food stamps? (mountainperspective.wordpress.com)
- Time to pop our bubble!!! (makingdisciplemakers.wordpress.com)